What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican:

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, Arabs,
and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when
Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney and Rumsfeld did
business with him, and a bad guy when Bush couldn't find Bin Laden.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but
trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international
harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops
in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle and antagonize our
long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but
providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the
public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're
a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.

Supporting "Executive Privilege" is imperative for every
Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in
perpetuity.)

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Friends don't let friends vote republican.

-Author unknown